After the delivery of my daughter almost 4 years back, I hadn't seen a gynecologist until earlier this year when I was informed that I was a decade overdue for a pap smear. She (the doc) wanted it done right away.
I was told 2 things about the pap smear:
- This will tell if you have cancer or not
- This might hurt a bit, but mostly you'll just feel uncomfortable
Okay, before I continue, let me tell you something else about me. I'm an Indian woman who recently moved to Germany and can't speak or understand German. And my German doctor, she was sweet, but her English was a bit broken. So when she said cancer/painful/uncomfortable, I became queasy, to put it mildly. There was one more thing stopping me from getting a pap smear.
Married women, I know you feel me.
After being married for seven years, it was an Amazon rainforest down there, to say the least. So obviously, I pleaded with the doc to let me come back another day. She wasn't happy but agreed nonetheless after making me promise that I would get it done asap.
I got home and first things first, I googled the definition of Pap Smear - and learnt that it is "a procedure in which a small brush is used to gently remove cells from the surface of the cervix and the area around it so they can be checked under a microscope for cervical cancer or cell changes that may lead to cervical cancer. A Pap smear may also help find other conditions, such as infections or inflammation."
If you knew this before reading it here, you are smarter than me!
Next came the actual pap smear day. I went in with clean-shaven privates hoping that the doctor would ignore the rashes and ingrown hair.
The doctor was great, she wanted to go to the second base before going to the third - Breast Cancer check - All clear, phew! 😄
Next came propping myself wide open naked waist till ankles (yeah I wore my socks). The doctor warned me to relax and not to move, this could hurt a bit. See when people say stuff like that, we automatically clench! That is human nature. It took all my willpower to try to relax. What I had forgotten was the fact that I brought out a human from that hole, inserting that instrument inside me is a piece of cake for the doc. So that went in like a sharp knife in soft butter. I relaxed - that was fine. And exactly when I relaxed she used something like my mascara wand and pushed inside. The thrust made me want to fart! WHY??? Why did no one warn me about that?
In a matter of seconds the thoughts that crossed my mind!!! I was afraid I'd bring shame to the women of our great nation by passing gas on a doctor's face! Would it smell??? How loud would it be??? Will she refuse to treat me???
Oh, the control it took to hold it in!!! What was 3 seconds felt like an eternity.
My wind did not escape, and my dignity remained intact! Face saved!
After this adventure, I have a pro tip for you ladies: Don't eat legumes for breakfast and lunch like me right before your pap smear.
The doctor said before I left, "If you have cancer we will call you in two weeks, else no call". I’m pretty sure the doc meant it in a nice way and things got lost in translation.
In my anxiety to hold in my gas, I had forgotten to ask about the result. And at that moment, I did not care about the result, I just wanted to leave.
Well, it has been 3 weeks and no call, so Thank God, All is well!
So ladies, if you are over 21, time to get your check-up done, and before you go, don't forget to practice clenching your butthole while keeping your vagina relaxed 😉